Recently it has become evident that we adults can no longer sit idly by, watching our terrible-two-toddlers rule the family roost as they whine about their every need. Parents, you know what I’m talking about. How many times have we arched our aching backs over to pick up our young as they pull relentlessly at our pant legs whining with arms raised high just because they want a better view of the countertops? Or when was the last time the child sat quietly to herself for longer than 20 seconds? Long gone are the days when Bella was easily distracted away from dangerous activities just by looking at mommy’s funny face or watching me dance in circles. Now, no funny face or fancy footwork in this world would come close to distracting her from getting what she wants. Now we’re reduced to buying high-end toys to occupy her interests. It’s no wonder Grandma and Grandpa think she’s headed toward being S-P-O-I-L-E-D.
Yes, it’s time to start implementing time out time (TOT). As reviewed on Supernanny and Nanny 911, TOT can be a very effective tool for those sweet little angels that at the drop of a dime can turn into the devil incarnate. We recently were forced to try our first series of TOTs with Bella. She was feeling exceptionally bossy one day and refused to comply with many of our requests. First it was her diaper. Her pants drooped low grazing the ground from the weight of her saturated diaper. But still, she ran around giggling gleefully refusing to let us change her. Then it was mealtime. After a full day of running around the house like Ozzie Osbourne high on cocaine, you’d think she would stop for a meal, or at least a sip of water. No Sir, this crazy monster had a back-up energy generator that she kicked into high gear. We were we in for a rough day!
TOT #1 came when Jin and I finally forced her to sit down to eat her meal at her pint-sized table and chair set that Grandma and Grandpa purchased. She pouted the entire time, but managed to nibble on a few bites. Jin encouraged her along the way with positive reinforcement (another discipline technique we learned) and told her that she would be done after taking 4 more bites. Instead of taking a whole spoonful per bite, she purposely cracked open her mouth just big enough for only a ¼ mini-bite and was content with counting 4 mini-bites to satisfy Dad’s request. How conniving! How did she know to do that, we wondered? We weren’t sure if we should laugh or get even more mad so we opted for discipline and led her to the corner, kicking and screaming.
She stayed in the corner for roughly 1 minute until we looked back and realized that she was playing quietly with her hairbands that lay nearby. We snatched away the bands and left her there for another minute with nothing to occupy herself. Jin and I were confident the TOT strategy would turn her demeanor around, but she headed straight back to the corner after Jin and I spotted her pouring milk on top of the plasma console. I shrieked out loud as she splashed the milk with her hands, devilishly grinning as milk splattered all over the TV.
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. After a long, draining day, I was finally furious! Plus unbeknownst to her, Bossy Bella had inadvertently waged a war with Parent with PMS, a war that I would not lose on any terms. I could feel the blood in my head boiling. I resisted the urge to grab her by the arm and instead screamed at her. She immediately froze like a dear in headlights, looked at my demented face, and then ran for daddy for cover. Fortunately, Jin and I had previously agreed to never undermine each other and to stay consistent when disciplining Bella. Jin quickly turned her away with a stern, “NO.” Bella was left defenseless as she started wailing uncontrollably. We both ignored her hoping that she would calm down. Instead, she walked back and forth between the both of us, making sure that we looked down at her tear-stained face, adding extra drama to her performance by gasping for breaths in between wails. She tried to snuggle with us but our arms were crossed. Bella finally raised her white flag and gave in by laying her head in our laps.
I let the anger drain from my face as I led her back into the corner where she stood quietly for another minute. Afterwards, we asked her politely to return to her table to eat and without a fuss, she quickly complied! Now that she was calm, we got down to her eye-level and explained why she got in trouble. She looked down as she listened but managed to shoot me a sideways glare to challenge my authority. I decided to let that one go, and instead took her to bed.
Finally, the day was over! Whew! Days like this make me wonder why I didn’t get my tubes tied!
Hopefully, this is a stage in Bella's development that will soon pass. In the meantime, we are armed with better strategies for discipline that are appropriate for a toddler. Here's what we recently learned from BabyCenter.com:
A disclaimer: These tools aren't guaranteed to work every time, and none of them will be right for every parent and child. But they will give you options — and what parent doesn't need more to choose from in his or her personal bag of tricks?
Tool: Lavish love
Age: Birth to 12 months (and beyond!)
How it works: It's easy to wonder whether you're giving in when you pick your baby up for the umpteenth time. Is it time to start setting limits? Not yet, say the pros. Responding to your baby's needs won't make her overly demanding or "spoiled." "It's impossible to spoil or overindulge a baby," says Kathryn Kvols, an expert who teaches parenting workshops on discipline and development.
In fact, the opposite is true: By giving your child as much love and attention as possible now, you're helping her become a well-adjusted and well-behaved person. "Your baby is developing trust in her parents, and she does that by knowing that you'll be there to meet her needs," Kvols says.
That trust means that in the long run your child will feel more secure and less anxious, knowing that you take her wants and needs seriously. She'll have confidence in you later, when it's time to set boundaries and lay down rules, and understand that you love her even when you correct her.
Real-life application: Your 4-month-old is crying even though you nursed her a half-hour ago. Your mother-in-law says to let her cry it out. Wrong, say experts: By crying she's telling you she needs something, even if you don't know what it is. Try walking with her, nursing her again, or singing to her. She needs to know you'll be there for her, even if all that's wrong is that she wants to be held.
Tool: Remove and substitute
Age: 6 to 18 months
How it works: Like the rest of us, young children learn by doing — so when your baby throws his bowl of peas off the highchair tray, it's because he's curious to see what will happen, not because he wants to upset you or mess up your clean kitchen floor.
That said, you don't have to stand by while your child does something you don't like. And you definitely don't want to stand by if your little one's grabbing for something dangerous. Take the object away or physically move your baby away from it. Then give him a safe, less-messy or less-destructive alternative. "Substituting something else will prevent a meltdown," Kvols says.
Make sure you explain what you're doing to your child, even if he's too young to really understand. You're teaching a fundamental discipline lesson — that some behaviors aren't acceptable, and that you'll be redirecting him when necessary.
Real-life application: Your 8-month-old keeps grabbing your favorite necklace and chewing on the beads. Instead of letting him, or continuing to pull it out of his hands, unclasp the necklace and put it aside, explaining simply that your jewelry is not for chewing. Then hand your baby a teething ring or another chewable toy and say, "This is fine to chew on."
Tool: Right wrongs together
Age: 12 to 24 months
How it works: Going back to the peas example above — there's a difference between a baby who playfully throws her bowl to the floor and a young toddler who knows she's creating a mess for Mommy or Daddy to clean up.
That turning point happens when your child becomes capable of knowing when she's doing something she's not supposed to, often around her first birthday. "When she looks at you with that glint in her eye and then drops the peas, you know it's time to do something." says expert Madelyn Swift. What you do, says Swift, is start teaching the concept of taking responsibility for her actions.
Real-life application: Your toddler's made a mess under her highchair. Lift her up, set her on the floor, and ask her to hand you some peas so she's "helping" you take care of it. Talk to her about what you're doing: "Okay, we made a mess with the peas so we have to clean it up." Then put her back in her chair and give her something else to eat, or end the meal.
Tool: Emphasize the positive
Age: 12 months and up
How it works: This one's easy: Tell your child when you like how he's behaving, rather than speaking up only when he's doing something wrong. "It takes a bit of practice to get in the habit of rewarding good behavior rather than punishing bad, but it's more effective in the end," says Ruth Peters, a clinical psychologist in Clearwater, Florida, and author of Don't Be Afraid to Discipline and other books.
Real-life application: It's nap time, a potential battle zone with your sometimes resistant toddler. Head it off by praising even small steps: "It's so great that you stopped playing with your blocks when I asked you to. That means we have extra time and can read a story. If you lie down right away, we'll have even more time and can read two stories." Keep praising each improvement he makes in his nap time routine, and make it worth his while with rewards such as stories or songs.
Tool: Ask for your child's help
Age: 12 months to 8 years
How it works: Researchers know something parents may not: Kids come into the world programmed to be helpful and cooperative. All we have to do as parents is take advantage of this natural tendency. "Kids are innately wired to want to cooperate," says Kathryn Kvols. "A lot of times we parents just don't notice this because we don't expect children to be helpful."
A 2006 study backs up this idea: Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology discovered that toddlers as young as 18 months already have full-fledged qualities of altruism and cooperation. The way they demonstrated this was simple. A researcher would "struggle" to hang up a towel with a clothespin or stack up a pile of books. When he dropped the clothespin or tipped the books over, the toddlers would race to pick up the clothespin and hand it back, or restack the books. But when the researcher made the same mistakes without struggling — that is, without looking like he needed help — the toddlers didn't budge. They understood what it meant to be helpful.
Get your child involved in daily tasks around the house so she learns that everybody works together. "I recommend that parents find things their children can do, whether it's washing vegetables, feeding the dog, or sorting laundry," Kvols says. "You're teaching your child to be helpful, which is one of the most important life skills. We've found time and again that the people who are most mentally healthy are those who've learned to be of service to others."
While this may not sound like a discipline strategy, just wait: If you've taught your child to be cooperative, you can call on this quality when you need it. For example, giving your toddler a "job" to do can defuse some of the most common tantrum-provoking situations. Kathryn Kvols put this to use when her son, Tyler, refused to get into his car seat. She made him "boss of the seatbelts" — he had to make sure everyone in the car was buckled in before the driver could start the car. The battle over the car seat was over.
Real-life application: Let's take the grocery store aisle, site of infamous meltdowns. When your child wriggles to get out of the cart, you can hold up a box of raisins and say: "I need to get food for us to eat, and I need you to help me." Then hand him the box and let him drop it behind him into the cart. You can also ask him to be your "lookout" and help you spot certain favorite foods on the shelf.
Tool: Manage anger
Age: 12 to 24 months
How it works: Toddlers are tantrum-prone because they're not yet able to control their emotions, experts say. "Tantrums aren't really a discipline issue, they're about anger management," says Madelyn Swift. "Tantrums happen when kids don't get their way and they'remad."
Step one in this situation is to let your child calm down in whatever way works best for her. If she'll let you hold her, hug and rock her until she's quiet. If touching her only sets her off again, give her space to calm down by herself.
Don't try to talk to her about what happened until she's over the emotional storm, Swift says. But once it's over, don't let relief prevent you from addressing what happened. Instead, replay the tape and return to the scene of the crime. It's time to fix whatever mistakes were made.
Real-life application: Your toddler didn't want to get dressed and threw a fit, hurling toy cars around the room. Once she's stable, take her back to the toy cars and calmly but firmly tell her it's time to pick them up. If the task seems too daunting, split it up. Point to one pile of cars and say, "You pick up these cars and I'll pick up the ones over there." Stay there until your toddler has finished her portion of the job.
If she refuses and has another tantrum, the cycle repeats itself. But wait longer for her to settle down this time, and make sure she knows you mean business. Then back to the cars you go.
Tool: Talk toddler-ese
Age: 12 to 24 months
How it works: The secret to getting your toddler to do what's right — or to stop doing what he shouldn't — can be as simple as communicating in a way he can truly understand. Pediatrician Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block, tells parents to view their toddler as a "little Neanderthal" and talk to him as such. In other words, get down to his "primitive" level and keep it really, really simple.
Karp calls his communication strategy The Fast Food Rule because you're basically operating like a drive-through cashier: You repeat back the order, then name the price. Use short phrases with lots of repetition, gestures, and emotion to show your child that you get what's going on in his head.
Real-life application: Your toddler yanks a truck out of his friend's hands. Instead of plopping him down in a time-out or trying to explain why what he did was wrong — both strategies that assume your child's more sophisticated than he is — take a few minutes to echo what he seems to be thinking and feeling back to him: "You want the truck."
Validating your child's feelings will help him settle down, and once he's calm enough to listen, you can deliver your discipline message. But again, give him the stripped-down version: "No grab, no grab, it's Max's turn." Note: This may feel silly at first, but it will work.
Tool: Listen to "no"
Age: 12 to 36 months
How it works: "No" is one of the first words many kids learn to say, and it almost immediately becomes the one they say most often. As parents know, the constant negativity and refusals can get a little tiresome. Strange as it may sound, one way to prevent "the endless no's" is to try and take "no" seriously when your child says it. After all, we all have a tendency to repeat ourselves when we don't think people are listening, right?
Real-life application: Your toddler's running around in a dirty diaper, but she refuses to stop and let you change it. "Start by asking if she wants her diaper changed, and if she says no, say okay and let it go for a while," says Kvols. Wait 15 minutes and ask again, and if you get another no, wait again.
Usually by the third time you ask, discomfort will have set in and you'll get a yes. And knowing that saying no carries some weight will stop your child from saying it automatically. "The more you respect their no, the less often they use it," Kvols says.
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